Satire // Featured post – for laugh or not… (3/4/13)
The Peeled Onion Report
March madness taking hold in White House
Sequestered in a closet off the Oval Office, Obama sits in fear of the effects of sequestration on his White House activities.
News of his holed up anxieties reached the tipping point just as the chef announced plans to restructure the White House menu. It’s no secret Obama has an appetite for expensive Kolbe beef and Dom Pérignon. The chef cited new tariffs and a drastic increase in cost along with shipment problems, both of which make it “practically impossible to receive monthly orders”. Electric and refrigeration costs were added considerations.
No statement from the First Bitch was available at the time of this report, though aides say privately that she is fuming over cuts in her staff and new vacation restrictions. The Air Force informed her of new arrangements for overseas travel. No details available. Plus her diminishing staff is said to be in arbitration over the increased workload that could force a walkout if they cannot reach a settlement. She has already told them she refuses to negotiate.
Obama, on the other hand, has sent a list of requests to the kitchen and was basically rebuffed telling him “the cupboards are bare” but that he is welcome to limited amounts of bread and water while the supply holds. He’s been on the phone complaining to SEIU bosses.
All State Dinners have subsequently been canceled, including one for Hamas and Hezbollah and a welcome back party for Hugo Chavez. No statement from them was given.
Obama ordered drone surveillance of the base and pilots responsible for AF-1. Biden has already negotiated a yearly pass with the train. The Beast is rumored to be mothballed at the end of the month. No plans are yet set for transportation to Michelle’s birthday bash. Celebrities are taking up donations in private.
Anonymous White House insiders have told this reporter about a flurry of suspicious listings on Ebay under the name Harry Bounel, which are believed to be private possessions of the Obamas along with one auction for a Churchill bust. No word yet on the current bids but interest is said to be waning.
Next month the Obama daughters begin home schooling since the private school says they can no longer afford the added expenses of privileged children.
Over at the Capitol, leaders are taking up a resolution on cuts to White House salaries and Barry’s executive pay under this year’s budget resolution.
The White House secretary, who pays higher tax rates than the Obamas, is being put on furlough and the job will be eliminated at the end of the fiscal year.
Obama reiterated his earlier statement that “this is not a game”.
Stay tuned for updates… evolving
Right Ring 
Bull,
Absolutely hilarious. If only it were true that the King and the Big Bitch had to cut anything.
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Pepp, hope I gave you a laugh. One can “hope” for “change”. Would be nice to see michelle’s staff cut…to about 2. That would save a bundle.
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Bull, ROTFLMAO! You really had your funny hat on writing this one! I also heard the First Bitch has her underlings grabbing up all the Buy One, Get One Free Whopper coupons! She has to make sure she keeps putting the Moo in Moochelle….
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Dave, I guess I was in that mood. Too bad it isn’t reality. She probably has reserves laid up for just an event. At least for one fleeting moment in her life she was proud of America. That is if we can believe anythng either of them say.
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Bull, now we know what it is like to live in a third world country. The misery this is causing is almost unbearable, but I think I’ll manage. I bet the owners of Tiffany’s are pissed off though, because the First Bitch won’t be able to make her monthly trip to blow our money on some new jewels. Humm…I wonder if she’s ever thought of buying her hubby a pair of jewels???
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Dave, LMAO. Maybe Tiffany’s will need a bailout. It won’t look good when she flaunts all those designs for her fans to talk about — 500 dollar sneaks and thousand dollar outfits. (what every woman wears to a sequestration…)They don’t match the sequestration jibberish. LOL, daddy needs a pair of jewells! They wanted class warfare, they got it.
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Bull, ” a bailout”…LMFAO! I wouldn’t be surprised if they got one! King Asshat bailed out GM (another great investment of the Traitor In Chief) that is losing money left and right. Bailed out Chrysler and now the damn Italians own it. (Note: I do love Italian food!) Keeps bailing out green energy companies, because their damn P/L statements are so damn red. The damn Bailout King sucks at investing, but he’s keeping his traitor flock happy. We are surrounded by f’ing idiots and traitors. Some are too damn stupid to even see what Asshat is up too and others are happy to jump on the Soul Train for the ride. They’ve yet to figure out the Soul Train’s destination is right over a cliff…
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And this was only at a less than 3% cut in spending growth.
What sort of barren, lawless dystopia would REAL cuts bring about?
It’s simply too terrible to imagine…
😉
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JTR: what if it was a real cut, eh? LOL
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Just THINK of the REAL savings cutting all this,and the do-nothings called CONgress. 2 staff members,sleeping in the offices,no junkets,damn. OK OK,I’ll wake up!!! Good post,bull.
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Clyde, The guys who can’t seem to find anything to cut. Hummph. Cuddled on their cots LOL. Que the John Lennon music, “Imagine” LOL. And already Janet Napoleon says all the airports are slowing. What’s next, how about an alert system for sequestration effects? “Today, the sequestration alert is EXTEMELY HIGH.”
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Watch out for that sequestration on your commute.
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So not too far from the satire, Obama shuts down WH tours due to sequestration. Lots of volunteers will lose their jobs. 😉
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Shuts down tours of the White Mosque eh? Damn; and I was so hoping to go and see what it feels like to have to take off my shoes and wrap a bath towel around me head to take a tour. Shit; sounds like a blessing in disguise to me!!!
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Dave, ah looks like you’re out of luck. LMAO. It was probably that extra laundry expense that did it. I bet private tours for muzzies can still be booked tho. If not you have to fork out a half million to get on the schedule. I guess we’re out of the market. Those poor Obama fans are going to be devastated – (don’t stand under any bridges 🙂 )
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LMFAO! I just wasted a lot of bleach getting my towel nice and white! And I also bought a brand new compass so I’d know which way to bow and pray…what a frigging waste. I’m asking Barry for a bailout. Bail me the hell out of the money I just spent and bail me out of this nightmare I’m having. This is just a bad dream isn’t it???
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Dave, well, I think you are justified on the expenses part. He does bailouts of anything except nightmares. That would require big money too — unless it involves 72 virgins. 🙂 So I guess you’re out of luck again. But maybe the new Pope will be available for that one.
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If they show up, and they will, I hear he’s promising muzlims a private meeting with the 12th Imam.
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Had a chat with my middle daughter today. Her firm does a LOT of fed work,she was telling me that some of the programs were closed down due to the “cuts”. She had to let 20 people go. I said to her,the damned government NEVER cuts ANYTHING but the military. I said she needed to get with her legal staff,and check their contracts for early termination clauses,if it ain’t there,then challenge it. Got a hunch the administration is trying to pull a BUNCH of fast ones for their “sequester,oh pity me ” tour. These bastards cannot stoop low enough to try to make their stupid points.
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That’s funny. And knowing how they operate, ithey would cut some penny pinchers first to keep it azzbackwards — the wasters would be SAVED.
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Clyde, and meanwhile reports are the administrion is hiring around 500 people as of Monday.
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I read yesterday that Obama is cutting visitors to the WH, you know those tour things. Wow! Am I so disappointed. (sarc). Then there is an ad, hiring from within. Right, all cuts he makes will only hurt the American people and he and the Moocow will still enjoy their lavish dinners while the rest of the country people are starving for work and food.
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Pepp, it is sickening, isn’t it? They really do want us to be a third world country, where the first family lives as kings at the expense of the poor and he can throw out crumbs once in a while.
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