I’m about to break an exclusive. The New York Times is on strike and has apparently been scrambling behind the scenes to tweak their hiring policy, as the need for workers could be huge if the strike continues. No word on how long that could be. Enter plan B.
So as a news hound myself, I got a hold of a draft copy of a screening questionnaire they are planning on using — should the need occur to hire mass replacements.
Filling out the questionnaire appropriately will get you on the fast track for consideration. This is meant to sort of weed out the undesirables, if they try to breach NYT defenses. Being multiple choice the options are limited. Here is the satirical draft.
Please complete this revised questionnaire for consideration at NYT — the avowed paper of record.
We like to say there are no wrong answers, but only wrong people (who hold them). And the wrong ones can find plenty of opportunities elsewhere.
Have you ever voted for Donald Trump?
A)No
B)Yes, I made a huge mistake. — (okay, we like groveling)
How emotionally attached are you to truth?
A)Only modestly to preserve my image
B)Not so much
C)My truth is all that concerns me
D)What is truth?
Is America the greatest country on the planet?
A)Not by a long shot
B)No better than any other 3rd word regime out there.
C)Yes (We don’t have any positions available with your qualifications)
Is climate change the largest factor in everything?
A)Yes
B)It is the only factor that matters
C)Climate change is the answer to any problem
D) It is the top issue on the planet
E)No — (you may exit this survey – you are not our type.)
Are you so proud of your individual sexuality that you need to share it with everyone, especially those who aren’t interested and with under-age minors?
A)Yes
B)No — (don’t be frustrated, continue on)
Are pronouns an important priority in any of your social media?
A)Of course
B)I rate all people by their use of pronouns
C)I don’t understand the importance of pronouns. (get out of here now, and stop trying to pretend or we will report your account for harassment)
Would you characterize yourself as a proud American?
A)No
B)Only if by American you mean the new woke America?
C) Proud American is a repulsive term to me.
D) Yes — (you have been warned at least twice to exit)
Is gender a valid biological description?
A)No
B)Gender should only mean an individual’s definition, if they have one.
C)Biology is so 19th century
D)Biology is a form of fascism
E)All the above – (you may have excellent potential here)
How well do you work with others?
A)Only if I get my way
B)Just for purposes of politics and perception of others.
C)I rarely create/have issues with others, unless they don’t accept my sexuality.
D)Always — (you are probably not what we are looking for, but there is always flipping burgers)
Lastly, what kind of salary would you be interested in?
A)Whatever you got.
B)Something I can live on in the lifestyle I am accustomed to.
C)I can be flexible.
D)Salary commensurate with the amount of shit I have to put up with.
Have you ever been a felon?
A) Why? (please elaborate ______________)
B)Why not? (Briefly explain______________)
C)I am connected to Antifa
*Captcha question to make sure you are a real person:
Is 1+1 greater or greater less than one? A)Greater B)Less
If you got to the end of the survey, we will be in contact with you soon. We look forward to your sensational interview. – NYST
Could this be the very real, near future?
Right Ring | Bullright | 2022
Right Ring 