What Obama did not nor will not ever say:
(file this under dreams — if Obama is entitled to his frequent hallucinations, then allow me to have one.)
Hello, good morning.
I, Barack Obama, have a few things to just get off my chest.
Let me start with I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the delayed, late budget and that prompted some deeper thinking.
I’m sorry I did not cut the budget deficit in half in my first term, as I promised. I now regret not really trying. I admit it. I understand many people are disappointed with me; I am sincerely disappointed in me too. I promised a lot of things when I ran for president; where to begin? It was too many things. I could not possibly do all these things. I ask your forgiveness.
When I told you I was going to fundamentally change America, you starry-eyed people believed what you wanted but did not know what I meant by “transforming America”. I should be ashamed for not being clear, even though I always say “let me be clear”. Well, I’m still working on that shame quality. I have a lot to apologize for.
So I’m sorry that I let you down, I let myself down. I’m sorry that when I said I was going to change things you believed me. I bought into your hope in me. I regret taking this country for granted even while I was kicking and stepping on its throat. I realize I have been spoon fed and nurtured by some radical ideas and characters since I was weened.
I cannot change that now but I am working on it. I see the error in those views. I wish I had seen it earlier and acted on it. I did not.
I do not blame you people or Republicans for those errors. It was no one else’s fault but mine. I must accept responsibility for quite willingly seeking out those unsavory types to associate with. It was not your fault for questioning my ties and associations. And I do not blame those who knew or discovered my deep-seeded animosities for this country and its great people. I apologize for using that as a tool to propel my political status. I take responsibility for that.
People should question their political leaders and hold them accountable in word and deed. I thank you for being so gracious to me even while I did nothing to earn it — and to the media who stood by me. Thanks. I advanced myself by being critical of others and those in power. It’s my turn to be questioned accordingly, in the same measure I questioned and attacked others on my way up the ladder.
Let me say especially I am sorry to the wealthy people I demonized along the way. I really put undue blame on you when I should have been looking in the mirror at what I was really doing. I don’t blame you if you hold some skepticism toward me and my ideas. I will show you I do not feel bitter toward you.
I am also sorry to the poor in this country who I have extorted all along my path to the presidency. I have used you and purchased your vote to get where I am. Even if you do not want to believe that, it is true. I have also engaged in ugly class warfare that you and this country should not be engaged in. As a result, I have made people bitter — not healed it — as well as fueled deep division in this country. I have not made that better; I made it worse and I have used it for my own selfish ambitions to my personal gain. I am sorry.
One of the great things about this country has been the ability of people to take responsibility. So allow me to accept full responsibility for my actions, and show you I am just like all you great Americans out there who make this country great. I realize America is not a nationality but also a state of mind. It alone cannot make people American, they must feel it too. I have a renewed feeling about what America is about. I now see why all you people were so concerned about me. You didn’t know me from Adam.
Speaking of introductions, I ran rather self-centered campaigns all my political life. I had no experience at running anything, not even a malt shop on the boardwalk. I had zero experience. I’m sorry for using my campaign as a resume.
While I am taking stock and responsibility to those I held so much bitter animosity for, I am indebted to this country now and into the future for the fame and fortune it brought me. I am grateful and undeserving of all you pay and will pay to me and my family into the future. All the perks that I will continue to reap and enjoy far into the future exceeds what I deserve. I would like to say I earned it all but I did not, and it is gracious hospitality from this great country. I do not believe you owe me anything. I may not ever realize or understand just how much America has given me, but in the future I will never deny it.
In closing, I would like to address a subject important to many of your concerns, my basic records – long a controversial matter. So I would like to apologize for that issue too. I said “I’d like to…”. But therein is the problem. I am not going to talk about or release them. I would like to apologize for that, but I can’t. Did you really think I would apologize and disclose all those records buried in secrecy? I’m sort of sorry for the secrecy. I regret I cannot divulge them. Did you believe I would straighten that out?
So, as a result, I have changed my mind and retract my apologies… presidents can do that. Just for the record, pardon the pun, I am truly sorry for any interpretation of my words in any way other than my intent. You should know there are limits I can never cross, and my records are one of them. I ask for your forgiveness.
Did you believe that I would apologize then disclose all those records after all the trouble I went to in concealing them? Apparently you people really are as dumb as David Axelrod said you were. Since I cannot, I must retract my entire apology. Please understand I did not want to do this. I accept responsibility for this decision.
I sincerely apologize for any confusion this has caused. I just couldn’t do it.
But I will not hold that against you if you cannot accept this… scratch that too. Remember, presidents can do that. I do love this country and its dumb people. You reinforced that when you elected and reelected me.
Please accept my words in the sincerity with which they were given.
I changed this country, not myself.
On a lighter note: I am still the person you elected.
Barack Hussein Obama , aka Barry Soetoro,
Harry Bounel, Campaigner-in-Chief et al.
PS. I do apologize on behalf of the Teleprompter.