Obama says cuts are real and will hurt

Satire // Featured post – for laugh or not… (3/4/13)

The Peeled Onion Report

March madness taking hold in White House

Sequestered in a closet off the Oval Office, Obama sits in fear of the effects of sequestration on his White House activities.

News of his holed up anxieties reached the tipping point just as the chef announced plans to restructure the White House menu. It’s no secret Obama has an appetite for expensive Kolbe beef and Dom Pérignon. The chef cited new tariffs and a drastic increase in cost along with shipment problems, both of which make it “practically impossible to receive monthly orders”. Electric and refrigeration costs were added considerations.

No statement from the First Bitch was available at the time of this report, though aides say privately that she is fuming over cuts in her staff and new vacation restrictions. The Air Force informed her of new arrangements for overseas travel. No details available. Plus her diminishing staff is said to be in arbitration over the increased workload that could force a walkout if they cannot reach a settlement. She has already told them she refuses to negotiate.

Obama, on the other hand, has sent a list of requests to the kitchen and was basically rebuffed telling him “the cupboards are bare” but that he is welcome to limited amounts of bread and water while the supply holds. He’s been on the phone complaining to SEIU bosses.

All State Dinners have subsequently been canceled, including one for Hamas and Hezbollah and a welcome back party for Hugo Chavez. No statement from them was given.

Obama ordered drone surveillance of the base and pilots responsible for AF-1. Biden has already negotiated a yearly pass with the train.  The Beast is rumored to be mothballed at the end of the month. No plans are yet set for transportation to Michelle’s birthday bash. Celebrities are taking up donations in private.

Anonymous White House insiders have told this reporter about a flurry of suspicious listings on Ebay under the name Harry Bounel, which are believed to be private possessions of the Obamas along with one auction for a Churchill bust. No word yet on the current bids but interest is said to be waning.

Next month the Obama daughters begin home schooling since the private school says they can no longer afford the added expenses of privileged children.

Over at the Capitol, leaders are taking up a resolution on cuts to White House salaries and Barry’s  executive pay under this year’s budget resolution.

The White House secretary, who pays higher tax rates than the Obamas, is being put on furlough and the job will be eliminated at the end of the fiscal year.

Obama reiterated his earlier statement that “this is not a game”.

Stay tuned for updates… evolving

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